Dumbass Makes Worse Counterfeit Bill Ever

Though many in Arkansas may adore former President Clinton, he hasn't made it on to US currency. That was the first tip that a $100 bill presented at a gas station wasn't real. The bill didn't have a president's face and included the name of former President Clinton. (It looks like it was a monkey's face...) The authenticity of the bill was also called into question with the visibly running ink. All of these pieces caused an investigator to proclaim, "Of all the cases I've worked with phony money, this is the sorriest bill I've ever seen," Lt. Brenda Bittle said. (See the handywork at right)




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Oops! Mayor Hands Out Sex Number on Flyers

Here's a lesson in fact checking for all of you out there. The mayor of Edmond, Oklahoma and more than five dozen volunteers distributed thousands of fliers discouraging underage drinking. Too bad that the number they gave out wasn't to a help line...it was to a phone sex line. He obviously felt bad and has "no idea how the error happened." Those who dialed, were greated with a message promising exciting live talk for only 99 cents ($2.99 for each additional minute). He wouldn't talk about the nature of the origin of the error...but it couldn't possibly be human error!

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Nude Pictures of Marcia Cross Found in Garbage

Everyone should know by now that if you are a celebrity worth any kind of attention at all, you don't make a sex tape and you don't take private nude photos. (IF you're a celebrity not worth noticing you make one and release it anyways ::coughs:: Dustin Diamond). Marcia Cross, of"Desperate Housewives" fame, must not have been paying attention because she accidentally threw away 200 sexy photographs...including some of her bathing nude. Not a surprise, she is demanding them back. Too bad the company who found the nudie pics is referring to the case of Finders vs. Keepers and is looking to sell them to the highest bidder. Though they aren't soulless, money grubbing, devils...they offered to sell the pics back to the red-haired babe. In addition to the pics, she also threw away a recent tax return. Someone please buy this woman a shredder!

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Teacher Hosts Drunken Party For Her Teen

As a parent, you try and protect your kids and make sure they stay out of harms way. Parents Richard Stovel and Lisa Swagerty, a local school teacher, must have thought that meant to throw the wildest party of the year for your teenager. With an abundance of alcohol, the party must have gotten a little rowdy because the police were called (is that still a sign of a great party if you are the parents?). Police arrived and allegedly found high school students so drunk they they couldn't stand on their own, and the ones who could had taken to drinking in the streets. Police found beer and liquor throughout the home and some of the young people had vomited in both the house and the yard. The parents are charged with contributing to the delinquency of minors. Best.Parents.Ever.

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Teen Girl and Vodka Make Appearance at Church

To be young and drunk means the world is yours for the taking...or you think it is at the time. For a 17 year-old-girl in Wales, UK, her drinking got everyone's attention. In June, she downed a bottle of vodka (all by herself!) met a church congregation leaving after worship with one of her friends. Instead of only hurling obsenitives or just...hurling, she screamed obsenities and told them to "read The Da Vinci Code" (a true crusader for improving literacy!) before throwing a bottle of tomato sauce at them. During her recent court apperance she says she doesn't remember anything (surprise!)but did say she was aiming to throw the jar at a tree.

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Addicts Steal Shrimp to Pay For Heroin

Drug addicts to strange things when they are trying to score their next high, (that would explain all of those Pauly Shore movies...) Robert E. Oppici and Jesus M. Rosado, mugshots at right, looked 'outside' the box when it came to finding items to trade for heroine. Under surveillance, the duo was spotted by a police lieutenant going into a grocery store and stealing 6 bags of jumbo shrimp, worth $20 each. Instead of tackling the two men out of utter confusion, the two men were followed and were allegedly trying to trade the pilfered shrimp for heroin. (We're a little rusty here, anyone know the exchange rate on shrimp to heroin?) They were both arrested and were charged with receiving stolen property. Nothing good can come from living by the motto, 'What Would Long John Silver Do?'

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Woman Arrested For DUI While Picking Up Friend In Jail For Same

Having to call your friend to bail you out of jail after getting a DUI is worth a lifetime’s full of embarrassment. For Amy Parks of Oregon, that was just the beginning. She called her trusty friend Louanna Foster to pick her up. Unfortunately, Louanna was a bit tipsy herself and was also arrested for drunk driving. So there you are...in jail together...Isn'’t that what friends are for?

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Principal Returns After Wedgie-Gate

The principal of Park High School in Livingston, Montana can back to school this week after a six day time-out. Principal Eric Messerli (Mesarali, Meserli) was met by Superintendent Hannibal Anderson's and the school board to decide his fate after giving a student soccer player a wedgie during a JV game. The girls soccer coach who witnessed this rough-housing said it was playfulness gone too far. (On a roll, he later tracked down the Chess team for a round of swirlies in the boys bathroom. Fun times for all!)
Though he had at first wanted to resign he said at the meeting, "I want to live in a world where we don't have to hide when we screw up," he said. Taking responsibility really is overrated.

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Mannequin Love Too Much For Man

Ronald A. Dotson has a problem with smashing windows and stealing things...and by things we mean mannequins. It seems that Ron has a thing for the plastic women in department stores and he just can't stop stealing them. He's been convicted six times for breaking and entering in the past 13 years for his forbidden love. Only one week out of the joint for his last conviction, he was caught stealing yet another mannequin in a French maid's uniform. According to his parole officer, Ronny-Boy's plan was to buy his own mannequin to love and keep forever in hopes of stopping his urge to break in. But it looks like he found out he's not the monogamous type...



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Naked Robber Stuck In Window

Breaking into a home is tricky business, but we can't stress enough how important it is to remember your clothes. A would-be burglar's plot was interrupted when Dennis Reed Jr., found himself naked in the window of a house. He was caught before he could take anything from an apartment he was allegedly trying to rob. ::You know, I could steal even more stuff if I didn't have these pesky clothes in my way!:: Dennis was found by police, stuck between an air conditioning unit and a window frame. Police were unable to free his naked bum and had to call the fire department to remove the air conditioner. To add to the weirdness of the naked robber, he told police some guy forced him to break into the apartment at gunpoint. Geez, I hate when that happens!

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Sword Wielding Robber Forgets Booty

Not everyone would have made a great pirate and we just need to accept that. A robber in Australia must have seen last weeks posting about the brilliant man wielding a Samurai sword because he showed up to rob a service station with an ornamental sword. Too bad he left his booty behind (the loot for all ye non sea-faring scags!) when he fled on foot. When he realized the money & cigarettes had been left behind, the 20-year-old returned and pleaded with the attendant to let him back in the store and give him his plunder. No deal. He fled on foot and the police found him several blocks away, still wielding his sword. :::Argg...he be a very bad pirate.::

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Man Bites Stripper in NSFW Area

Jesse Adam Bopp may have taken the 'wildest night of his life' a bit too far when it came to his bachelor party this past weekend. While getting a private dance from a stripper at and all-nude strip club, he allegedly bit something he really really shouldn't have. (Click the link for complete details...) He was promptly kicked out of the stip club. Jesse told police that he only touched the stippers leg. The police report said that a club video tape showed the dancer quickly pulling away and grabbing her 'area.' He was released from jail on Friday after being arrested on suspicion of felony sexual assault. No word on whether or not his bride was there to meet him at the end of the aisle on Saturday.

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What Not to Do With Your Samurai Sword

Drunken UK man with Samurai sword attracts police attention.

Who said the UK doesn't have it's own share of nut jobs ?! In this weeks apparent theme of drunken men wielding strange objects, we give you Brendan Scamp. Police were called when he was seen hitting a brick wall with a samurai sword and shouting threats. (Kinda like Tom Cruise ten years from now...you know, when he really loses it...)When police arrived, Brenden switched from the sword to a broken bottle...ah, the traditional drunken Irish mans weapon. Then police introduced him to their friend, the Taser. He was sentenced to nine months in jail where we are sure he will find brand new objects to brandish when drunk!

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Angry Driver Fires Crossbow at Motorist

You know, I was just saying the other day that we don't use enough weapons form the medieval period, and then we heard about dear Wayne Allen Dierks Jr. This SUV drivin' guy from Little Rock was cut off in traffic. Instead of giving the finger or swearing, the legally intoxicated Wayne allegedly went medieval on his fellow motorist by shooting at him with a crossbow. "It was a drive-by crossbow shooting," said Steve Gilgenbach (the other guy). Wayne's arrow allegedly ricocheted off of Steve's window. When the first time didn't work, he allegedly followed Steve into a parking lot and shot at him again. ::wow, drunk AND determined!:: Wayne was arrested on charges of committing a terroristic act, possession of an instrument of crime, driving while intoxicated and driving on a suspended driver's license. So many charges for one little crossbow-toting man. How ever did he manage?

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Mom Kidnaps Son Four Times for Ransom Money

Father just realized where the ransom money was going...


Usually, we at Dumbassdaily don't like to joke when it comes to kidnapping. This story seemed like the proper exception. A mother in Spain staged fake kidnappings of her son to collect the ransom money. Though this is a tragic situation where a child is used as a pawn between fighting parents, this wasn't a one time thing. She kidnapped her son four times. Now, kidnappings seem quite common on TV but not even Batman and Robin got kidnapped this much! The dad paid about $1.26 million in ransom money for all four kidnappings and says he didn't realize the other three times were a hoax involving his son's mother. The dad became suspicious the fourth time and finally hired a private detective. It appears that the 15-year old boy and five other people were also in on the plot.


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One Bizarre Dunkin' Donuts Robbery

We didn't even realize that Rhode Island had crime until we found this bizarre story involving a screwdriver, a Dunkin' Donuts, and stealing grandma's car. As far as we can tell, David Torres was charged with felony armed robbery after allegedly robbing a Dunkin' Donuts store using a screwdriver and his girlfriends grandma's car in the getaway. He explained that the money had been given to him by a Chinese woman at a Chinese Restaurant to buy drugs...too bad she didn't believe him. Too bad for him that she called the cops. For the complete dumbass tale, click on the link. Trust us, this only gets weirder.

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Naked Prosecutor Caught on Camera at Work

Contrary to popular belief city prosecutors need to keep their pants on just like everyone else at work. ::for all of you in law school for the wrong reasons:: Scott Blauvelt was charged with two counts of public indecency after he was allegedly seen gallivanting around the office naked by security cameras. His attorney says that his behavior was a result ot mental illness and is on medication for seizures. He's currently on paid administrative leave after being arrested on Monday. Ah, reminds me of my favorite childhood story, The City Prosecutor's New Robes. (P.S. He was naked)


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Woman Charged with Drunk Driving...Her Horse

Our loyal readers always know to send us the good stuff. (Thanks to Dan Shepard for this one!)

Heather Darnell, 22, of Mountain City, Ga., may have taken the don't drink and drive mantra a bit literally. Though it's never good to drive a car drunk, the message remains the same for operating snow mobiles, row boats, and yes even horses. She faces a drunk driving charge after allegedly slammed back one too many before she saddled up and steered her pony into highway traffic and hit a car. She's currently in the hospital in fair condition. The horse is reported to have survived as well. "If it's on the public right-of-way, you're under the same jurisdiction as if you're in a car," Trooper Anthony Coleman said. Take that message to heart when you think about saddling up on your giant rhino after a few brewskies.

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Woman Leads Police on Two Chases

Ohio police seemed to have their hands full with Kristen Hetzer (mugshot at right) over the weekend. First, they tried to pull her over on suspicion of drunken driving after she was seen driving on a sidewalk.::Damn pedestrians, think they own the place!:: But she wasn't really into being caught so she allegedly bailed out of the car after a lengthy chase. Too bad for her, the officers were faster. But kids, it doesn't end there! Police say our hero struggled with them and had to be subdued with mace. Despite being maced and handcuffed in the back of a police car, Hetzer didn't give up the fight. She weaseled her way out of the hand cuffs and drove off in the police cruiser. Police finally caught up to her in northern Kentucky. No surprise, she's currently being held on multiple charges. For more images of the amazing races, click on the link above.

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Police Impersonator Uses Wife's Clothes

How badly do you have to want to be a police officer in order to wear your wife's outfit to impersonate one? Apparently pretty damn badly for alleged police impersonator William Taylor of California. Taylor reportedly followed two teenage girls into a high school parking lot and told them he was an undercover police officer. His outfit? This recently married creepo allegedly was using his wife, a county corrections officer's sweatshirt and baseball cap with the Department of Corrections insignia. (The regulation 'I'm with stupid' sweatpants were in the wash.) Good thing dear Principal Richard Knapp came to the rescue. After asking Taylor for his ID, he fled in his big ole brown van...no word on whether or not the van was found down by the river.


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Wisconsin Bakery Thief Finally Captured

As my grandpappy used to say, 'People steal all kinds of crap. Now stop biting the dog!' I guess he was right about the stealing part...and the advice about not biting Mr. Scruster wasn't too bad either... A 53-year-old man with a sweet tooth and an entrepreneurial spirit was caught by police in Madison, Wisconsin this week after they were investigating a series of thefts at Stella's Bakery. Taking money must have been too predictable because the thief took oil, sugar, eggs and flour, and occasionally, even the delivery truck.(Chicks dig the dude with a bread truck..) He allegedly took the pilfered goods to other bakeries and sold them. Mayor McCheese was unavailable for comment.

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Pot-Smoking Student Jumps Out Window to Avoid Police

Maybe those videos from the 1970s were right...

Everyone knows that it's fun to mess with your friends when they are smoking the wacky grass in the dorms. I mean, who hasn't pretended to be the police, right? Okay, at least one other person has. At Arizona State a student fell two stories after attempting to escape from his friends pretending to be police officers. What did the they have to hide? Well..smokin' a joint for one. When one of the students roommates knocked on the door pretending to be a police officer, the only logical thing to do is jump out of the window right? Ooo...except that he didn't have a clear shot at the ground and hit a covered entryway and then hit the ground. Don't worry though, he's OK!?!


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Woman Grabs Male Attendants Rump During Flight

When will women learn that they can't just start flights on airplanes? A woman was charged with sexual assault after she got in a tizzy with a male flight attendant on a North Carolina to London flight. During the argument, the woman grabbed the mans 'rump roast.' ::Oh my stars!:: When the airplane landed, things weren't as happy as they were in the air. She was also charged with disrupting a flight.

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Woman Shows up Drunk to DUI Hearing

A woman in Little Rock, Arkansas decided to put her best face forward when heading to court for her fifth drunken-driving charge this year. For Susan Marshall, showing up drunk to her own DUI hearing was just the right thing to do. Though she did not drive to court drunk, (only REAL friends drive your drunk ass to your 5th DUI hearing of the year)her 0.147 percent was impressive enough. This was to be her third appearance for drunk-driving this month. It was no surprise that instead of getting a pat on the back for her consistency, she was taken to the county jail.

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