Billy Mays Orders at the Drive Thru

Not sure why, but this made me laugh this morning. "But wait, there's more!"

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Source: Obama's New Family Dog Failed to Pay Taxes

The elation of the First Family about their new dog, Bo, may be short lived as tax problems may derail yet another appointee of the new administration.

The Dumbass Daily has learned exclusively that Bo, reportedly from a prominent East Coast Portuguese water dog family, may also made a mistake on his Federal Income taxes. "The tax laws are really complicated! Just look at what happened to Tom Delay and Charlie Rangel . . . and I'm a dog, for Christ's sake," howled the beleaguered First Dog-elect, who has to go through what is now expected to be a tougher than expected Senate confirmation hearing.

According to sources, Bo's in the dog house for failing to report as income the free puppy food he's received from a lobbying group for the National Kennel Association. Bo says it was an honest mistake and blames the mistake on his accountant . . . and the fact that he accidentally ate all of his own receipts. During the Sunday morning talk shows, Republicans in Congress pounced on what they called Waterdog-Gate and asked Bo to step aside for the sake of the country. Others called on the President to name a special prosecutor/animal control officer to investigate Bo. There was even a hint from a Beltway insider that Bo's family may also be involved in some kind of Ponzi scheme, after his father--a stud at a Maryland puppy mill--claimed more than 600 dependants when he filed last year.

White House spokesman Robert "Not This Crap Again?" Gibbs expressed confidence that the matter could be cleared up quickly and thought that it would not derail Bo's chances of becoming First Dog, a position that has been open since the Bush's dog Liberty quietly ran off with a French Poodle after the November election.

Kids: Don't Put Stripper Poles in Your Dorm Room

Of all the things you would think college administrators would have to worry about today: rising costs, shrinking budgets, stripper poles in the dorm rooms . . . wait, what? That's right: at one university, the student housing department did a quick inspection of empty dorm rooms over Spring Break and found at least one room that had a stripper pole . . . permanently bolted into the floor and ceiling. Here's more from Kent State News:

A residence hall director found a stripper pole bolted to the ceiling and floor of a dorm room over winter break. Edward Moisio Jr., fire safety coordinator at Kent State, said 99 percent of students who have illegal items in their rooms offer the typical excuse: "We didn't know we weren't allowed to have that."Residence assistants and Kent State's Fire Safety Division frequently find other, more common violations in the residence halls - stripper poles are unusual."I haven't really read the handbook," said Mark Feldman, junior political science major. He suspects that's the case among other students, too. Carrie Circosta, assistant residence hall director of Beall and McDowell Halls, confirms it. She said one of the main reasons students don't know what is and isn't illegal in the residence hall is because they don't read the handbook or just don't care.

Teacher's Aide Accused of Sex With Middle School Boy

This is our second story in a week about a fairy young teacher (okay, in this case a "teacher's aide") having some kind of inappropriate relationship with a kid in junior high. No age is given for the boy, but that's usually 7th, 8th, & 9th grade, isn't it, making him, what, around 14? Strange, very strange.

According to cops she was caught when--surprise!--the boy's mother found pictures of the teacher in her underwear on the boy's cell phone.

At right, the mug shot pictures of the accused, Lauren Breslin. Here's more from Press of Atlantic City:

A Vineland teacher’s aide and former champion high school swimmer allegedly kissed a male middle school student and sent him sexually suggestive pictures of her, according to police. Police arrested Lauren Breslin, 23, of Vineland, early Friday morning and charged her with endangering the welfare of a child. The boy’s mother found three sexually suggestive photos of the woman on her son’s phone and contacted Vineland Police on Thursday, according to police. Police say the boy told them he and Breslin kissed on the lips multiple times during school hours. The photos on the boy’s cell phone allegedly show Breslin wearing lingerie.
Investigators seized the phone as evidence and are awaiting a search warrant to proceed in their investigation. Their investigation remains ongoing, and more charges could be brought, Vineland Police Capt. Rudy Beu said Friday.

Student Teacher Arrested for Sex Middle Schooler

Wow! Both the teachers AND the students keep getting younger in these cases. This time it was a 23-year-old student teacher and a boy in 8th grade. My favorite line from the article? "According to Superintendent Braden Hirsch, Massaro was in charge of schooling eighth-grade students on a myriad of subjects." Apparently so.

Here's more from WPIX:

A student teacher at an elementary school in Frankford has been arrested and charged with having sexual relations with a young student, authorities said Thursday. Lindsay Massaro, 23, a student at Centenary College in Hackettstown, reportedly struck up a week-long romance with the Frankford Elementary school student, which apparently began on March 21 and ended this past Saturday.

Massaro is accused of committing "acts of sexual penetration and sexual contact with the intimate parts of a minor male," according to information provided by the Sussex County Prosecutor's office. According to Superintendent Braden Hirsch, Massaro was in charge of schooling eighth-grade students on a myriad of subjects. Officials say she was working toward getting her state teaching certificate in special education.

Massaro was arrested Monday following a probe by police, but it is not clear if police tracked her down at the elementary school, which serves student grades K-8.

Parents Arrested After Boys, 7 & 8, Show Up at School Stoned - Cleveland Elementary School

The things that our schools have to put up with these days that we could NEVER have imagined happening 20 years ago. For example: elementary school kids showing up to school high after smoking pot. Here's more from MSNBC:

Officers arrested a central New York couple because their 7- and 8-year-old sons showed up at school stoned on marijuana, police said. Officials at Cleveland Elementary School notified authorities about the possible drug use last week.

On Wednesday, state police charged 33-year-old James Tyson and 34-year-old Christina Miczek of Bernhards Bay with endangering the welfare of a child. The misdemeanor is punishable by up to a year in jail.

The boys smoked the marijuana after finding it at their home, police said. Troopers also charged a 15-year-old who made a smoking device for the boys. Troopers didn't release his name because of his age.

Anal Retentive Burglars Kept List of Everything They Stole; Cops Appreciate the Help

From our "Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time" Files, comes the story from Surprise, Arizona of a couple who had a very organized burglary ring, to the point that they kept ledgers of what they stole and from where, making it much easier for the cops to nail them. Why not just shoot some video next time, dumbass?

Here's more from Your West Valley:

A Surprise couple arrested last week kept a ledger of homes they broke into and
items they stole during a string of burglaries in the Surprise area, police said Sunday.

The pair suspected in the crime spree - Travis Anderson, 27, and Gina Dunn, 34 - were arrested at approximately 1 p.m. Friday at their home in the 7300 block of North 185th Drive, police said. The major break in the case occurred when a burglary victim called police to let them know he believed he had seen his stolen golf clubs at the "Play It Again Sports" store located in Surprise.

When police arrived at the store, an officer recognized several other sets of golf clubs that were reported stolen from homes in his beat. The subsequent investigation led detectives to the home of Anderson and Dunn where they served a search warrant. Detectives discovered several sets of golf clubs, flat screen televisions and numerous other items that appeared to have been stolen, police said.

Detectives said they also found ledgers and notebooks kept by Anderson where he logged the addresses of homes he had burglarized and items he had taken, including a list stating whether the homes were occupied. Detectives found numerous real-estate open house fliers in Anderson's home. The fliers included hand-written notes on them regarding electronic equipment and appliances that were in the homes up for sale.

Principal Accused of Making Boy Zap Himself With "Shocker Pen"

Want to bring a fake pen to school at Beaver Ridge Elementary School that gives off a mild, but not dangerous electrical shock? If you get caught with it, be prepared to have the principal turn it on yourself. And then, shortly thereafter, the parents and administration will turn on her. Good thing she didn't catch him with a bear trap! FYI: it's not the first time this principal has used some questionable disciplinary techniques: 10 years ago she allegedly took a kid who was biting other students and held him down while the other kids bit him back.

Here's more from the AJC:

A Gwinnett County elementary school principal is under fire for ordering a student to shock himself with a pen he carried to school that emits a low current.

Esther Adames-Jimenez, principal of Beaver Ridge Elementary School, apparently wanted to teach the student a lesson. So when the boy was summoned into her office to face discipline consequences for bringing the toy to class, she asked the student to turn the pen on himself. The student was not injured.

“Her actions reflect poor judgment,” said Sloan Roach, a spokeswoman for Gwinnett County Public Schools. “It clearly violates our discipline procedures.” This is not the first time the principal has come under scrutiny for discipline allegations.

In 1999, she was placed on paid administrative leave from East Boston Early Education Center amid allegations that she disciplined a 4-year-old who bit classmates by holding that student down so his victims could bite him back. Adames-Jimenez was reinstated without disciplinary action. However, the mother of the disciplined student filed a civil lawsuit against Adames-Jimenez and the school. The case later was settled for an undisclosed sum.

Female Teacher Jennifer Lynne McCalla Accused of Sex With Boy

Now the Canadian teachers are getting into the act! What next, someone from the UK? Here's more from Canada.com:

A 33-year-old female high school teacher has been charged with sexual assault
and sexual exploitation by Ottawa police. Police said an investigation began in early February into allegations of inappropriate touching by a teacher in the Ottawa-Carleton District School Board of a male student. The alleged assault occurred in late January.

Jennifer Lynne McCalla, a teacher at Brookfield High School, was to appear in court Tuesday. Sharlene Hunter, a spokeswoman for the board, said McCalla has been
on "home assignment" since early February when the police investigation began.

Real Genius: High School Girls Call in Bomb Threat to Participate in Senior Skip Day - Corona del Sol High School

The stupid is strong in these two. You'd cry if you didn't have to laugh at them. The really stupid part? One of the girls arrested had only one excused absense left and already had to use it for ANOTHER COURT DATE, which is why she--allegedly--called in the bomb threat so she could participate in the senior skip day. As if attendance at the school had ever really been a priority for her, you think?

At right, their mug shot pictures. My guess is they will be pretty popular in prison.

Here's the details from AZ Central:

Tempe police arrested two teenage girls Thursday on suspicion of sending false bomb threats to Corona del Sol High School in Tempe last week, resulting in the closure of the school last Friday. Authorities believe the girls used the bomb threat as a way to miss a day of school, said Sgt. Steve Carbajal, public information officer for Tempe police, in a press conference.

Carbajal said Laurin Godson, 18, of Tempe and Lauren Tamburrelli, 18, of Chandler were arrested Thursday morning. Godsen was arrested at 7:55 a.m. at the high school, and Tamburrelli was arrested at her home at 10:02 a.m. Corona del Sol's administration received a handwritten note March 19, telling "whomever it may (expletive) concern" that on March 20, "large parts of the school will be destroyed." The note continued on, using more expletives and warning that the bomb would not be found and this was not a joke.

Shortly after this note was received, the school administration office received a call from Godson, who said she was being held against her will by a male who was forcing her to call the school. She stated there would be a bomb at the school Friday. Because of these threats, the Tempe Union High School District, working with Tempe police, decided that the school should be shut down for the safety of staff and students on March 20.

Carbajal said multiple students came forward to provide information that linked Godson and Tamburelli to the threats. Carbajal said this information indicated that Godson carried out this plan in order to get school cancelled for Friday. Police said Godson had a court date to meet on Friday, but was told that she only had one more day of unexcused absence. Godson wanted to attend senior ditch day later on in the year, and the closure of school on Friday allowed Godson to meet her court date and save her last absence.

Drunk Teen Calls 911, Asks Cops for Ride Home

Okay, so technically because this happened in the UK this kid called 999 (same thing as 911 in the US) but he's still a dumbass. He also allegedly bit a cop who showed up to arrest him AND THEN give him a ride . . . to the police station

Here's more story from the BBC:

A drunk teenager who dialled 999 to demand that police give him a lift home has been told by a judge that he narrowly avoided being sent to jail. Daniel Paskin called repeatedly to ask police to send a car to pick him up in Perth in the early hours of 11 January. Instead of taking him home, they took him to the police station where he bit an officer's hand.

Paskin, 17, has been placed on probation and was ordered to carry out 120 hours of community service. Perth Sheriff Court was told that when the officers came to arrest Paskin he said: "I have called 999 loads. Take me home to Scone."

Paskin, now of Culliven Court, Perth, admitted persistently misusing the 999 system to demand the police attend a non-urgent and non-emergency matter. He also admitted assaulting Pc David Gillespie by biting him on the hand to his injury.

Can You Make 1000 a Day or Is Affiliate Marketing Some Kind of Scam?

You've seen the claims: Make 1000 Dollars a Day Working at Home, in your spare time, maybe an hour a day.

Is it possible? Yes, it is possible, and I have seen proof of it.

Can "anyone" do it? No, I am convinced that if any idiot can make 1000 a day, then it will cease to be a skill and the market will be overrun with people doing the same thing. No, the reality is that SOME people can make $1000 a day . . . maybe more, LOTS more, using the techniques described in the Day Job Killer.

Here's the basics: you become an affiliate marketer (like we do for the Idiot Proof Diet) and then promote the product on your website or via Google Adwords (you don't need to even own a website to do this!) The other party creates and distributes the products (in most cases a quickly downloadable ebook) a middleman takes care of the credit card payments and any returns, then pays you a hefty commission. In some cases as much as a $100 a sale! (Yes, I have made a few of those.) Don't have to make many of those to make 1000 a day, do you?

Again, I don't think just anyone can make 1000 dollars a day, but a many of people can, IF you know the techniques behind it. This is not the kind of thing you rush into blindly without knowing the ropes. Believe me, it can be costly. Affiliate marketing takes some time, and some effort, but once in place they offer an automated income stream that works 24/7, 365 days a year (I have made affiliate sales on Christmas Day, New Years Day, while I'm on vacation . . .) that works better than anything I am aware of. Is there any other job you can make money at by NOT showing up, day after day?

Here's more about how to make 1000 a day from the Day Job Killer's web site:

Given the fact that over $6,500,000,000 was made by affiliates last year (yes, that's billion), you would think that simply being an affiliate was the key to untold riches and freedom. And you would be in good company. But you would also be way, way off the mark. The game is different in 2007 - very different.

But first, let me explain to you what the affiliate marketing that I know is like, the one that you know is out there... somewhere.

Firstly, affiliate marketing is simply the promotion of other people's products for a cut of the pie - potentially a big, lucrative cut that you can repeat, over and over, for years to come.

You promote a product, take your share and don't have to be worry about product fulfillment, customer service, or pretty much anything. The only question that should be on your mind is, "when is my check coming?" There are no expenses, no worries... in short, affiliate marketing is the easiest way to leverage yourself into the world of cash-rich.

The Day Job Killer website contains some free information about how you can learn how to make 1000 a day. But don't take my word for it. You can read, can't you?

Jade Puckett: Bride Booked in Wedding Dress After Drunk Driving Arrest

It wasn't exactly the wedding night that bride Jade Puckett had expected: She and Billy Puckett, both 26, were married last weekend in Clear Lake, Texas and proceeded to their reception. Police say that around midnight they were on their way to their wedding night hotel when officers pulled the newlyweds over as part of a “March Madness” push. The groom was immediately charged with driving while intoxicated, while Jade--who allegedly became belligerent--was also arrested. No only that, but when Jade was booked into jail, she still had her wedding dress on. And, according to her, she was left in a cell with about 15 to 20 other women, while male guards came by several times to show her off to other jailers.

Now Jade claims she was--surprise!--humiliated by the whole incident and has filed a complaint with the Harris County Precinct 8 Constable’s office. She doesn't dispute the drunk driving charge but thinks she could have been treated better by arresting officers. (Houston Chronicle) At right, Jade Puckett's mug shot picture.

Breaking Bad in Real Life? High School Math Teacher Accused of Being Drug Dealer/Fencing Stolen Goods

Have you seen the TV show "Breaking Bad" with Bryan Cranston, the father from "Malcom in the Middle?" It's the story of a high school chemistry teacher who's "suffering from the world's worst case of mid-life crisis and becomes a criminal" selling meth and doing other really bad things. Well, this guy may not be quite that bad, but cops are beginning to suspect he wasn't just smoking a little weed on the side. Here's more from MSNBC:

Police now say a local math teacher arrested for drug trafficking did not act alone. It turns out 29-year-old Jeremy Smart's roommates were in on his alleged drug dealings and it was no small operation. The Durango High School teacher was arrested for possession of marijuana and methamphetamine; but that was just scratching the surface. A lengthy arrest report shows Jeremy Smart's home was headquarters for his alleged drug dealings and police believe he wasn't acting alone. They arrested Smart and four others when they searched his home, located near 215 and Tropicana.
Among the items seized were drugs and equipment to distribute them. Police also found $50,000-worth of stolen electronics. Carl Lane's daughter lives across the street and a few doors door from Smart's house. He was amazed when he learned what was going on. "They had a lot of stolen stuff. I just can't believe it."
But other neighbors say they saw people coming and going from the house at all hours of the night. One neighbor, who didn't want to be identified, told us a lot of those people would show up with television sets, stereos, and computers and leave without them. Police believe those items were routinely traded for drugs.

Man Found Passed Out in Car at Fast Food Drive-Through: Toddler With Him

Suddenly, we have a front runner in the "2009 Father of the Year" competition!

Cops in Bismarck, N.D, say they received a phone call about a car stopped at the drive-through window of a local fast food restaurant. When they arrived on the scene they found Chance Standing Crow, 27, passed out behind the wheel . . . with his 4-year-old daughter in the car next to him.

For some reason, Standing Crow was NOT arrested on any kind of DUI or drunk driving charge, but instead was hit with the charge of "failure to be in control of the vehicle" (I guess being passed out would qualify you as NOT being in control) and driving under suspension. When he wakes up he'll find out that he's due in court April 6 to face these charges.

No word on whether the toddler ever got her Happy Meal or not, but we hope so. (KXMC)

Cops Sleeps Through Own Booking Photo?

How tired would you have to be to not even wake up while being booked at the police station for assaulting your girlfriend? I call shenanigans on this mug shot of Robert "Wake Me in the Morning" Szoyka, which shows another officer from the North Palm Beach Department of Public Safety Department holding up his head in the picture. Either someone can wake you up long enough to get you to open your eyes (a little cold water, perhaps?) or there is something medically wrong with you that would require a trip to the emergency room. Holding up his head like a sleepy puppy? Please! It's likely part of a defense ploy, in our humble opinion.

Police claim the found Szoyka asleep in his car when they went to arrest him after his girlfriend accused him of hitting her. Not surprisingly, following his arrest Szoyka was suspended from the police force . . . which should give him time to catch up on his sleep. (MSNBC)